Co-Parenting Essentials, Part 2: Agree on the Basics

In Part 1 of this series, we talked about putting the kids first when making decisions together: setting your feelings about your ex aside, focusing on what your children need, and staying assertive instead of getting into yelling matches.

In Part 2, we're building on that foundation. One of the most important things co-parents can do is agree on a set of basic rules for the kids, and then stick to them in both homes.

Why the basics need to be consistent

Every household is a little different, and that's okay. One home might have pizza night on Fridays while the other has a different chore chart. Kids can adjust to those small differences.

The basic rules are different. When bedtime or screen time changes depending on whose house the kids are at, children get mixed messages. They may push back on the stricter parent, play one parent against the other or have a harder time settling into a routine. Consistent basics give kids a sense of structure and stability, no matter which home they're in.

What basic rules to agree on

You don't need to agree on everything. Focus on the rules that affect your children's health, sleep and school the most. For example:

• Bedtime on school nights. If bedtime is 8:30 at one house and 10:30 at the other, kids show up to school tired after every switch. Pick one bedtime and keep it in both homes.

• Device time on school nights. Agree on how long the kids can use phones, tablets and video games on school nights, and when devices get put away.

• Homework routine. Decide when homework gets done, such as before screen time or right after dinner.

Write down what you agree on so there's no confusion later. A shared note or co-parenting app can help both of you stay on the same page.

Set your feelings about your ex aside

Just like in Part 1, agreeing on basic rules only works if both parents put their own agenda aside. It's natural to still feel hurt, angry or resentful toward your ex. But if those feelings drive the conversation, it can turn into a fight about who's right instead of a plan for the kids.

Before you talk about rules, remind yourself: this isn't about winning or losing. It's about what's best for your children. If you need to, take a break and come back to the conversation when you're calmer.

Don't make the kids the messenger

It can be tempting to send messages through the kids, especially if talking to your ex is uncomfortable. "Tell your dad you need to be picked up at five." "Ask your mom why you're staying up so late at her house."

This puts children in the middle of adult problems. It can make them feel anxious, guilty or responsible for keeping the peace. Messages also get lost or changed along the way, which leads to more conflict.

Instead, talk to your co-parent directly. A text, email or co-parenting app works well. Keep it short, clear and focused on the kids.

Don't talk badly about the other parent

Saying negative things about your ex in front of the kids can feel like venting, but it often backfires. Children love both of their parents, and hearing one parent put down the other can leave them feeling confused, hurt or caught in the middle.

It also makes your agreed-on rules harder to follow. If you tell the kids their other parent is "too strict" or "doesn't know what they're doing," you're teaching them not to respect the rules at that house. Over time, they may stop respecting the rules at your house, too.

If you need to vent, talk to a friend, family member or therapist, out of the kids' earshot.

Final thoughts

Co-parenting works best when the kids get the same message from both homes. To recap:

1. Agree on the basics, like school-night bedtime, device time and homework.

2. Set your feelings about your ex aside so the conversation stays about the kids.

3. Don't make the kids the messenger. Talk to your co-parent directly.

4. Don't talk badly about the other parent. It undermines the rules you both agreed on.

Same rules in both homes help kids feel safe.

If you missed it, read Co-Parenting Essentials, Part 1: Put the Kids First. For tips on keeping these conversations calm, see our post on better communication skills.

If co-parenting conflict feels overwhelming, a family therapist can help both parents find common ground. If you're in California, you can learn more at mainline-counseling.com.

This post is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for therapy or legal advice. If there are safety concerns in your co-parenting situation, please reach out to a professional.

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